Dolphins: The jerks of the ocean.

I forgot to tell you that in the previous entry’s poll, every “don’t do anything” vote cast was worth, like, a hundred times more than the other votes. So basically four hundred people begged me to spare the internet the agony of my daily musings this December. And a public outcry of that magnitude cannot in good conscience be ignored.

(My initial response was, “Wait, how did my cripplingly low self-esteem manage to vote? Four times, even?”)

My voice has been struck down by what I thought was another bout of bronchitis, but turned out to be strep throat, which is of course exactly the kind of thing one wants to have during the run of a show. I’m in the middle of a strict 24-hour period of vocal rest, but that sounds super-boring and non-productive, so I’m going to call it Heather’s Impromptu 24-Hour Total Mime Immersion Program instead. And then I’m going to put it as a special skill on my resume, ’cause that shit needs some padding.

I’ve ingested so much tea over the past week, I think I’m actually in danger of being thrown into a harbor by uppity colonials looking to make a political statement.

Speaking of aquatic tomfoolery, the shore excursions for my upcoming Caribbean Christmas have been chosen, and they include cave tubing, deep-sea fishing, and a thing where you get in a pool with a dolphin and it, like, pushes you. I don’t know about you folks, but if some dolphin pushes me? I am going to push it right back. And be all, “Cool it, dolphin!  I am just trying to relax!” Then the dolphin will be like, “EEEEEEE! EEEE! EEEE! EEEEEEEE!” and I’ll punch it in the face, and we’ll get into this totally epic brawl pitting land-mammal against sea-mammal, and on it will rage — fist fighting fin — until the day of Ragnarök, and the poets a thousand years hence will still sing of The Great Surf-and-Turf Tussle of Twenty-Ten.

…I’m not going to be very good at international travel, is what I’m probably getting at here.


12 thoughts on “Dolphins: The jerks of the ocean.

  1. I don’t think you were there (it may have even been my 1st Year, so you sure as hell weren’t there) the day that Jay was super late for class so we all just sat around yakking, and somebody brought up the “100% True Fact” that dolphins are known to rape humans.

    Well, that sparked a RIDICULOUSLY heated argument (not even debate, people were straight up SCREAMING at each other) over whether it was true and if it WAS true, what we should do about it and what sort of punishment was reasonable. There were those who were ADAMANT that a dolphin would never, ever in 40,000,000 years harm a human being (let alone RAPE one) and those who SWORE that dolphins were the nastiest mo’ fo’s in the seven seas.

    So, the point is…um… be sure them dolphins know that NO means NO! and maybe you want to not engage the dolphin in any heated moments. Just sayin’

  2. I am taking this time to, at least, wish you a Merry Xmas Eve. Based on time zones, that by the time I finish this message , it will be about 9pm or later in your time zone. It must be an unusual sensation to be experiencing an ‘equatorial’ yule-tide (sorry about that)……but now you know how people in the southern hemisphere have a summertime Noel with Santa arriving on a surfboard or a para-sail like in Brazil… or Australia… or L.A.(Yes Virginia, L.A. is a foreign country). So go ahead and fill your belly at the buffet like a proverbial (nylon) stocking over the hearth, overflowing with goodies and surprises, as you may never get a chance like this in life again … “CARPe CHRISTMAS” and then sieze the cheesecake!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!! I LOVE YOU!! Dad

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