7:51 Okay, kids. I’ve got my Spiderman the Musical shirt on, I’ve got a glass of champagne, I am in a Victorian house so charming that I might actually pass out from delight, and I’ve got a couple of my favorite honeybadgers with me. LET’S DO THIS.
So I guess this isn’t really a live-blog, considering the actual ceremony is, y’know, done. That’s okay. Nobody cares about the East Coast anyway, right? Of course right.
I’m going in pretty much blind this year. The only show I’ve listened to is Book of Mormon, which I loved. The rest of ’em? Not a clue. Nor do I particularly care, to be honest. I am a terrible theatre fan. Can I root for Spiderman? Even though it’s not up for anything? I’m going to root for Spiderman. (I actually like to pronounce Spiderman “spidermin,” like it’s just somebody’s last name. “Hi, I’m Jeff Spiderman.” IT IS THE LITTLE THINGS WHICH BRING ME THE MOST JOY.)
8:18 Opening number! NPH looks like a twelve-year-old wearing his dad’s suit. Adorable. Okay, this song is great. Yes, accost the audience! ANGELA LANSBURY BOOB JOKES? WHAT KIND OF WORLD ARE WE LIVING IN? Brooke Shields is a giant. She is also a hot mess. Maybe drunk? Good thing this music is nothing but a safety vamp. And all that for a Weiner joke. Oh, no wonder his suit looked ridiculous. Comedy underdressing.
Best Featured Actress in a Play! Hey, Judith Light. Where have you been? Want a Tony? Well, you can’t have one, it’s Ellen Barkin’s. Does anyone have a lozenge for Ellen Barkin? ‘Cause them chords be raspy. STOP TALKING NOW, ELLEN, JESUS.
Awww, both Finches! I don’t know who’s more adorable, Matthew Broderick or Robert Morse with his little bowl cut. It is a close call. Okay, Harry Potter, this is it. Whoa, that is spot-on accent, DanRad! Good job! I am afraid that someone on stage is going to step on him. Boy is tiny. Pocket Potter. Holy shit, he sure is bringing it dance-wise, though. I wonder how many Mad Men-era shows we’re going to see revived before that particular trend dies down. I feel like this and Promises, Promises were only the tip of the politically incorrect iceberg. Well, sorry for the Tony-snub DanRad, but I’m sure you can dry your eyes with your piles and piles of cash.
Oh, Book of Mormon won Best Orchestrations earlier in the evening. It begins.
8:35 Best Score, Book of Mormon. Apparently that’s not important enough to warrant time on the actual broadcast. Aaaaaaand NPH stole my Equus joke. Dick. So John Leguizamo’s going to share a “Broadway moment” with us. It appears to just be an excerpt from his non-nominated show. Clever, Mr. Leguizamo. Clever. On your way now, please.
Ooh, I am digging Viola Davis’s dress. Work that magenta, girl. Best Featured Actor in a Play! John Benjamin Hickey! Joel Grey’s in the audience, and I swear that as the years go by his face just keeps getting smaller and wrinklier and his eyes get bigger and bigger and I feel like someday he’s just going to be a huge pair of walking eyeballs.
Here comes Catch Me If You Can’s number. I love Norbert Leo Butz. Not as much as my mom does, though. Seriously. Woman is obsessed. His physicality is great. Reminds me a bit of Michael Jeter; the looseness and freeness of him. Don’t know how I feel about this number as a whole, though. The music seems kind of forgettable.
Performances from Stephen Colbert and John Cryer, you say? I smell a Company number.
8:53 You know, it was probably a mistake to front-load the How to Succeed number. You could actually hear the fangirls changing the channel as soon as it ended. Put that shit towards 10:00, keep ’em on the hook.
Seriously, Best Choreography doesn’t get airtime? Why the hell not? I’m giving your priorities some side-eye, Tonys.
I’m finding NPH’s cheekbone-shading distracting. Good, yes, let’s do all the Spiderman jokes in one go. Aw, Curtains music for David Hyde Pierce. I’m gonna be real sick of that shit, real soon. Trey Parker’s sequined shirt looks like it was stolen from a gay priest, which is probably what he was going for. Oh, hey, I think we just saw a seat-filler changeover! That’s got to be a sweet gig. To sit in a chair and think to yourself “this is Angela Lansbury’s butt-heat.” Good for War Horse! I know nothing about the show, other than that it has people dressed up as horses. So I assume it’s just a less penis-y Equus. Daniel says he thinks it’s about a horse Diane Lane puts money on, and that it wins. And that Tobey Maguire is maybe there too. Oh, Daniel. Your ignorance is my bliss.
Scottsboro Boys, I also know nothing about you. Don Cheadle says you’re “provocative,” and he seems like a pretty stand-up guy. This music reminds me of something, but I can’t figure out what. Not surprising; John Kander’s stuff has gotten kind of derivative in his latter years. There’s a section in Curtains that’s just straight-up lifted from Grand Hotel. Well, that number was fine, I guess. Daniel: “Wayne Brady was really good.” Commercial time!
9:07 We haven’t stopped singing that song from Scottboro Boys through the commercial break, so you win the day, John Kander.
ANGELA. FUCKING. LANSBURY. Does this mean that someone in the audience is going to die? (For real though; after a while, wouldn’t people start avoiding Jessica Fletcher, seeing how people die wherever she goes?) Featured Actress in a Musical! Laura Benanti apparently went to every tanning booth she could find in the greater New York area. Tammy Blanchard’s eerie resemblance to Judy Garland continues unabated, I see. Yaaaaaay for Nikki James! She seems sweet. And now she’s babbling about bumblebees and physicists, but it’s okay, because she’s adorable.
Stephen Colbert, you are America’s sweetheart. Book of Mormon number, yay! The thing I love about this song is that it could have been written about pretty much any religion. “I believe that this cracker is literally the flesh of my Messiah!” “I believe a flaming plant set down ironclad laws for mankind!” See? Religion be crazy. BELT YOUR ENTIRE FACE OFF, ANDREW RANNELLS.
9:26 I AM EATING WAY TOO MUCH FOOD. SOMEBODY TAKE THIS PIZZA AWAY.
If this banter between Hugh Jackman and NPH doesn’t end up with them singing “Anything You Can Do,” I will eat this champagne glass. Aaaaaand there we go. Ooooh, Viva Laughlin burn! I never did watch that show; Viva Blackpool, however, was another story. DON’T POP THE HIP, HUGH.
Can you keep it together this time, Brooke? Okay, apparently not, judging by that extended bleep. Tall, foul-mouthed, and crazy. Brooke Shields is my kind of gal. Best Featured Actor in a Musical! John Larroquette! He’s also a giant. That’s got to be fun on stage; him just looming over Harry Potter the whole time.
I don’t think Bono and/or The Edge could look more sheepish. Let’s get on with this sympathy performance, shall we? Holy. Those head-mics are out of control. Wait, did he just pronounce Spiderman “Spidermin”? He totally did! GET OUT OF MY HEAD, REEVE CARNEY. May I propose the alternate location of my pants? SING OUT, KIDS. I get what they’re doing here. They’re trying to trick us into thinking this show actually has, like, content, and is about more than paying $150 to sit and secretly hope you get to see somebody break their neck. STOP EMOTING, I WANT TO SEE SOME SWINGY DEATH. Well that was boring as shit, even after a bunch of champagne.
9:43 Jim Parsons, what is that hair? Ah, here’s the play montage. It’s always a challenge to figure out how to present the play nominees. They appear to have gone the boring, talk-y description route this year. Fair enough. I do not know who this British guy is, but his Northern accent is killing me. I want to hug it.
Robin Williams! Has somehow become hairier? How?? Best Book of a Musical! Remember when Trey Parker used to be the hot South Park guy? Then he got kinda dumpy and Matt Stone lost the ‘fro and everything changed.
EGOT-er Whoopi Goldberg apparently does not realize that she is no longer playing Guinan on Star Trek: The Next Generation, judging by her choice of headwear. Let’s see if Sister Act can win me over. I love me some Alan Menken. Glenn Slater is another story. Remember when he wrote some really cute lyrics for Home on the Range, and then some really terrible lyrics for basically everything else he ever did? Okay, that was a fun number. Or was it a fun…NUN-BER? AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!
Commercial, thank God.
9:57 And we’re back. Can we talk about how I have not peed even once this evening? I’m starting to get legitimately concerned.
More play-talk! I’m a little sad that Alec Baldwin is the only person so far who’s attempted to fill the blank when saying “The Mother________ With the Hat”. THIS HORSE IS BLOWING MY MIND. Hurry up and get to San Francisco, War Horse. Hahahaha! Hugh Jackman’s face when NPH came out on the horse was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.
Can The Importance of Being Earnest win based solely on the “Jersey Shore Gone Wilde” videos they did? They should get all of the awards for that. Why is the guy behind the lady-producer dressed like a monk? Is he a monk? Are monks producing Broadway plays now? I AM SO OUT OF THE LOOP. Wow, he’s even sporting some highly-kissable signet rings. Ladies and gentleman, the first sixteenth-century monk to win a Tony!
JAMES! JAAAAAAAAAAMES! Every time I see James on TV, my heart grows about three sizes. I remember one night during Caroline or Change when we sat in the green room for, like, an hour just geeking out about obscure Disney shit. Now he’s a fancy Broadway actor and playing the Genie in the premier of the Aladdin musical. Crazy, man.
All these heartwarming, dancing children are making Chris Rock hilariously uncomfortable.
10:13 Samuel L Jackson is going to be playing Martin Luther King Jr, eh? Will he request that we get our motherfucking prejudices out of his motherfucking civil rights? I bet he will.
Is…is the horse in that War Horse clip…eating that guy’s ass? Damn, Tonys…you filthy. Daniel has now pointed out that you can see the people in the horse puppets about six-thousand times. “So it’s like Avenue Q meets Chinese New Year.”
Anything Goes! Alright, let’s get some motherfucking tapping up in this bitch. See, why wasn’t the ship I was on when I went on my cruise like this one? People wearing chic 30’s clothes and dancing all over the place? All I got was a bunch of obese midwesterners in crocs attaching their faces to the frozen yogurt machines that seemed to be installed every five goddamn feet. Disappointing.
TONYS, I AM GETTING TIRED. LET’S WRAP THIS UP SOON.
10:32 Lindsay just gave us all strawberry shortcake. I am going to have to be rolled out of here.
I don’t know who Anthol Fugard or Philip J. Smith or Eve Ensler are because I am ignorant, but I’m miffed on their behalf that their awards were done off the broadcast. The guy from Lookingglass Theatre champions art in schools! Daniel does not, as he says that art in schools will turn out talented kids, who will then be competition for him. Valid point.
Vanessa Redgrave and James Earl Vader are having a dramatic pause contest, and everyone’s winning. QUICK, HERE ARE ALL THE PLAYS IN A CRAZY MONTAGE. There’s that ass-eating horse again. I am so mad I missed A Brief Encounter at ACT.
Company!!!!!! I can’t wait to see this Wednesday night. I also can’t believe they got Patti LuPone to do trenches. Bet there was some serious bitchface given before she agreed to that.
Kelsey Grammer is here to tell us which revival is the best. My money’s on Anything Goes, but I feel like it could fall either way. Anything Goes!
Tyne Daly wants us to remember dead folks. They should have had Daniel Radcliffe announce this part, so they could have called it Harry Potter and the Deathly Montage. SYNERGISTIC GOLD.
10:49 Oh, here’s DanRad, talking at a million miles an hour because God help us if this runs long. YES, FRANCES MCDORMAND FOR BEST ACTRESS! Wearing…trailer-park couture? No, really, what are you wearing, Frances? When did you last wash your hair? Why are you yelling at us now? Did you not get the memo that Brooke Shields is taking care of the crazy this year? We’re covered, Frances. And now you’ve frightened DanRad. He’s going to go hide in a crack somewhere, bitty thing that he is.
Man, screw the Tony Award, Sutton’s real prize is getting to bang Bobby Cannavale. Way to bounce back, lady. I’m sure Christian Borle is weeping through “Chim Chim Cher-ee” wherever the Poppins tour is playing tonight.
We’re doing the “Broadway moment” thing again. With Paul Schaffer. Because…man, I don’t even know anymore. Paul’s taken the monitors out of his ears, all bets are off. It’s raining men, apparently? Oh, I’m an idiot, I totally forgot we hadn’t done Priscilla, Queen of the Desert yet. That was incredibly underwhelming. I can’t muster excitement for a musical that’s not only a movie adaptation, but a jukebox musical on top of it. Love the film, though. Guy Pearce is my gay spirit animal.
10:58 I’m kicking everybody’s asses on the Tony ballot contest, and the room has subsequently become very hostile.
CZJ is coherent and restrained, having passed the crazy-torch to Brooke Shields. Mark Rylance wins for Jerusalem. Yay, I want to hear him speak again! HOLY SHIT, MARK RYLANCE’S BRITISH ACCENT WAS FAKE??? He fooled me! I never get fooled! I am the accent expert! My entire world has been turned upside down.
I’m rooting so hard for Norbert Leo Butz right now, even though Tony Sheldon will probably win. OH MY GOD, NORBERT WON! OH MY GOD! I ACTUALLY SHRIEKED LIKE A CRAZY PERSON! DON’T YOU DARE PLAY HIM OFF, HE IS ADORABLE.
Okay, Mark Rylance’s Wikipedia page says he’s English. Was his acceptance speech just a bit? I wasn’t really listening. Oh, he’s the crazy guy who recited a poem when he won for Boeing Boeing. So my accent expertise remains intact? I think?
11:06 CHRIS ROCK, IT’S ALMOST 11:00, THIS IS NO TIME FOR BASKETBALL JOKES. Wow, no need to be a dick, Chris. You could at least pretend the other shows had a chance.
Matt and Trey are surprisingly charming and humble. I approve.
TONY RECAP WITH NPH. He’s rapping. Ten bucks says Lin-Manuel Miranda is behind this. Actually, it might just be Lin-Manuel Miranda wearing Neil Patrick Harris’s face, Silence of the Lambs-style. He’s pretty hardcore.
I got 21 of the 26 awards correct on my ballot, and am now facing death-threats from my companions. I REGRET NOTHING.
I AM TIRED AND FULL OF FOOD. GOOD NIGHT, INTERNET.