I’ve just deposited The Boy at BART so he can make his way to Stockton for Thanksgiving with his family, and I’m now perched alone on my family’s couch, laughing at the cheerleader who couldn’t make it into her lift on the opening of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I’m thankful for your public shame, cheerleader, because I am The Worst Person.
(Ooh, an appearance by “the cast of Sesame Street” you say? What do we think kids; Elmo or no Elmo?)
So Elf the Musical is an actual holiday thing now? Like, we’re gonna do it more than once? Ugh, okay. And they got Beth Leavel again? C’mon, Beth, you’re better than this. AND MARC JACOBY? You guys. You guys. I know times is hard and whatnot, but this…this is some boring-ass crap, let’s be real. Like, the most exciting thing about this is wondering if that chubby Buddy is gonna pass out from all the physical activity. Though I guess props to them for going for realism in casting; no guy who eats nothing but candy and syrup can maintain too sleek a silhouette.
Back from the commercial break and I already cannot remember one word or note from the Elf number. Yikes.
Okay, Nice Work, impress me. HAHAHA, DID MATT LAUER JUST PRONOUNCE “‘S WONDERFUL” AS “ESS WONDERFUL”? He sure did. Based on costumes alone, I’m choosing to pretend that this is Boardwalk Empire: The Musical, and any second now the girls are going to be topless and the guys are going to start shooting at absolutely everyone. D’aww, look at Matthew hoofin’. Though this feels less like some parade-worthy Broadway showstopper and more like I just accidentally ended up in the living room of the world’s quirkiest couple. Like, I feel this is the kind of thing that happens in Zooey Deschanel’s apartment all the damn time.
YES. YES. GIVE ME ANTHONY WARLOW RIGHT NOW. OH MY GOD, THAT VOIIIIIIIIICE. Even in this stupid song, his voice makes me melt. Okay, I’m not eating anything today or ever again because Grace’s dress is beautiful and I want to look like an elegant 1930’s starlet 24/7. Who do you think you fooled with that fake tapping, Annie? Do you think it was anyone? Because it wasn’t. I feel like Miss Hannigan is a role I’m supposed to play at some point in my life, but I’m pretty sure if I ever had to spend any amount of time surrounded by that many belting tweens I would hang myself almost instantly. Alright, I admit, I kind of want a little “Team Warbucks” college sweater now, too. Oh, way to seamlessly work in the villains there, guys. It totally makes sense that the newly-arrested Hannigan and crew would tap their way back into the room to have a dance-off with a toddler in front of FDR. Theatre! Anthony Warlow, I’m marrying you and your awkward tapping and your bald head right goddamn now. Annie, everybody. It happened.
CAN I NOT ESCAPE CINDERELLA? Apparently not. I…what…Victoria Clark looks like she’s supposed to be a piece of coral in some regional production of The Little Mermaid. I guess I’m impressed the costumes are done this early, though. Doesn’t it not open until January? Oh, hello Cinderella in a ballgown. Why is she wearing a mini version of the White Witch’s crown from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe? Are they gonna make her some kind of evil sorceress in this version? Because I’d be down for that. Anything that gives her, y’know, an actual character. Oh my god, that prince is the doofiest thing I’ve ever seen. You know, I hope that these aren’t the actual costumes for the men, becuase you’ve got the girls sporting some poofy, out-of-control fairy-tale nonsense and then the guys are just giving you sensible tails. You can’t ground only half the design in boring period reality. Wait, no step-family? Eff you, show, they’re the best part.
Lord, Bring it On. Here we go. Is that…is that a drag queen on my family-friendly Thanksgiving Parade? HELL YES. Okay, this is ridiculous pablum, so they better serve me some fierce stunts in a second here. Dear director: Just filming from above doesn’t make this any more exciting. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ONE THROW AND THAT’S IT? By all accounts, the ONLY worthwhile thing about this show is the stunting, so they decided to showcase the music and lyrics? I do not and will not support your choices, Bring it On.
Yeah yeah, Rockettes, legs, short skirts, filler choreography until we get to the kicking, etc.
Well, that was fun. And now, to finish cleaning up from yesterday’s culinary incident (the incident in question being simply that I cooked), then pack up all my crap and head to Auburn for some familial goodness. Hope you all have a gorgeous, delicious day!