NO. NO. IT’S STILL NIGHTTIME. IT’S STILL THE 5th. THIS TOTALLY COUNTS.
I blame Gilmore Girls for my tardiness. And American Horror Story: Freak Show. Television is truly the enemy of the written word.
(I honestly cannot tell you why I keep slogging along with American Horror Story when I know — I KNOW — that there is no plan. No well-thought-out story arc, no real endgame, nothing but a mess of concepts and ideas and aesthetics that appeal to Ryan Murphy’s ADD funhouse of a brain. It’s just so damn confusing, because it has all the correct setup to be a well-plotted genre show. And that’s how he gets you. You’re like “ooh, this seems to have the makings of an awesome, slow-burn, season-long narrative, I can’t wait to see how everything comes together in the end,” and then halfway through it’s devolved into Ryan being all “THE FANS SEEM TO LIKE THAT MICROCEPHALIC WOMAN WHO SHOWED UP IN THE BACKGROUND OF A FEW EPISODES, LET’S GIVE HER AN IMPLAUSIBLE, BIZARRE, FOCUS-PULLING STORY ARC” or “I MENTIONED STEVIE NICKS ONCE IN A THROWAWAY GAG AND THE FANS LOVED IT SO LET’S ACTUALLY PUT HER ON THE SHOW AND, LIKE, NOT JUST ONCE” and then he pretends that shit was his plan all along. What’s that, Ryan? All the seasons are connected, you say? You’re sure that’s not just something you’re saying now because it’s a popular theory that’s gained traction on the internet over the past couple of years? Okay, buddy. I believe you. Let’s just title next year’s outing American Horror Story: What Would YOU Like to See, Audience? I’ll Do Whatever You Want. I Don’t Even Care If It Makes Sense. Just…Just Please Love Me. PLEASE. *Muffled Crying Sounds* and be done with it. Or, if we wanted to actually solve the problem, we could force Ryan Murphy to have the entire season shot and done with before it starts to air, BBC-style, thus avoiding that aforementioned mid-season 180 when viewer feedback starts to have actual impact on the direction of the show and everything goes directly to hell. Ugggghhhh YOU HAVE SO MANY AMAZING ACTORS AND RESOURCES AT YOUR DISPOSAL, RYAN, AND YOU ARE WASTING THEM ON YOUR MEANDERING ADOLESCENT FAN-FIC NONSENSE. Jessica Lange deserves better.)
Sooooooo this became one long parenthetical aside about American Horror Story. But an entry is an entry is an entry, so peace out, y’all, I’mma get me right to bed.